"People and Post-its"

22 days in! My "He-Tox" that is. It may not seem like much but it is huge to me. I also have to say it's already working. The pop-up memories are fewer and the obsessions are less. I highly recommend it. My dear friend has been a loyal supporter and emailed me EVERYDAY with support and words of encouragement to get me through - that's true friendship! She is really someone special , an angel, and I hope I can return the favor someday - not in the form of a He-tox - no way, she won't need one. Just to be as good a friend to her as she has been to me would be quite a feat!

No, today I'm disgusted with myself for other reasons. I have got absolutely nothing done. I should have just considered myself sick or something and I wouldn't have to feel guilty about it. I'm unsure of my new job and have taken on another that I thought was my dream and it's full of flaws as one would expect if they had their head on straight. I want to be a bird and fly far, far, away. This is the time when I start feeling bad about what the last year and a couple months have dealt me. My identity is gone, my sense of who I am, my place here on the planet, the sense of being someones favorite, all gone...and more. So what do I do? I go to Target. The happy place. It does nothing for me so I move on to Office depot, nothing like office supplies to making me happy and cheer me up. but again, nothing there does it for me. This is a serious case. The only thing to do at this point is to realize it's almost five o'clock and I can check off another day, call it quits, watch the house grow dark around me and hope for a better tomorrow. I'm sure it has to do with seeing other people too. I haven't seen another or spoke to another adult all day. Well, my daughter, but she has a guest and is busy. Isolation is a lonely place and all kinds of vile things happen there. If you know someone who might be isolating or you're wondering why they only come out to get the mail, I'll bet it would mean a lot to have a little chat. That's the only way I ended up having a Christmas Eve. My neighbors saw me getting out of my car (coming back from Target) and asked me what I was doing that night and invited me over. It was lovely. It's those "Angels Among Us" that can be lifesavers. That and a "He-Tox". Truly.

"The Sixty Day He-Tox"

Okay, I'm still struggling. But I've got a new plan I am trying from a book than sounds like a good one. "The Sixty Day He-Tox" is the name of the chapter I'm on. I wish I could figure out and explain why, oh why, I still can't recover and move on from a relationship where I was lied to, and cheated on repeatedly, and rejected for a short overweight woman, but I can't. I'm trying everything I can think of. But I keep having what I call "pop-up memories". Like the times I called the cabin and the phone rang and rang and now I know he just ignored my calls. And knowing he drove all the way to Wheatridge to pick her up and take her to Estes Park and then back to Wheatridge. That's a long way! That's motivation! It hurts knowing he was that motivated to see her. I've spent so much time and energy thinking about pop-ups that now I think I need to work on the rejection issue, I want to apologize for the last year plus this has become a personal column but I can't help it and maybe it should be retitled for a while. It has been over a year now and I still can't get it out of my mind or my heart and gut. I realized at the last book club meeting that I think I associate book club with the whole mess because that is when he went to the cabin with his little .. what to call her...? Friday nights and Saturday mornings. He would still call me on those Saturday mornings and tell me not to be nervous about book club because he knew I always was and then call after book club and ask how it went. All this with his girlfriend beside him. What a jerk. He always came home at the usual time. I found out after the whole blow up that his cheating started much earlier than I knew, it went on for well over a year, with many woman. Who wants that? AND he wasn't that special, AND he wasn't that fun. AND I had to tiptoe around him, so what gives? It's the rejection thing. It has to be. So begins the Sixty Day He-Tox. Sixty Days without talking or emailing. He does email me every week, sometimes more than once. He wants to have coffee or lunch. Asked if we could be friends. (What gives with that?) My theory is he wants to see that I'm doing okay so he doesn't have to feel guilty. Someone has told me the best revenge is living well and another said the best revenge is showing up confident and bright and happy as I can possibly express. This would earn me an Oscar but I could do it. Life goes on without him and let him know it. The book goes on to say there is something magical about sixty days. That to trust it - sixty days is the key. If you can stay away for sixty days you'll have him out of your head and heart. The boyfriend in third grade that smelled like egg salad you thought you couldn't live without, well, you're living without him aren't you? So just give it sixty days. That puts me at May 20th. I have made sixty post it notes numbered 1 through 60 and I get to take one down every day. Now, considering we have complicated medical insurance that he pays for (yes, he damn well does, and I get car maintenance perks, damn straight) , there may be contact, but that's it and it's through email and I will try to handle the lousy insurance on my own. But it's not like we own a chinchilla farm together or have six kids thank God! This will happen and I CAN FINALLY GET ON WITH MY LIFE! He will not take book club away from me! That is what it's felt like and I will not let it happen! In a small remark, a moment really, when something was revealed to me as it should have been, my life changed completely. It takes time to get it back in an upright position. Let's hope it's sixty days.. Well, over a year plus sixty days, and get that loser out of my head. Thinking about what he's doing on a Sunday, what they eat for dinner, does he still use the same kind of soap (I'm sure he does, the OCD Freak!) Quit living his life in my head and live in my own - that will mean I'll be free at last, free at last! Thank God almighty, I'll be free at last! Freedom is everything and it comes in many shapes and sizes, never forget it and always cherish it. If it can come in Sixty days it will be an absolute miracle!